Excitement… Maybe not the right word, but the first that comes to mind when looking forward to 2014. 2013 was a different year for me. By different I don’t want to say it was a bad year, but it certainly was not a good year. 2013 had it’s fair sure of troubles and I certainly have grown from these trials. But 2013 also introduced me to some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I lost a few friends, but for every friend I lost I gained two. No one can ever replace a lost friend, but it is a great feeling meeting other amazing people who do noting but better you as a person and push you in all your endeavors. In 2013 I realized just how important it is to surround yourself with inspiring, ambitious, courageous, and LOVING people with nothing but positive energy. People are in your lives for exactly the right amount of time they need to be; some for years, maybe decades before you have a falling out or they pass, others maybe only a day or a few hours and they are just as important and make just as big of an impact as the latter. I learned that your mind, spirit and personality are far more important than your body. I grew to become a more whole and better human and I learned to let go of fear and only entertain hapiness.
I did a lot of thinking and reflecting in 2013. I thought a lot about my life, my future, death, love, and and my outlook on what truly quantifies a persons time spent on earth. I have a little black book that I put my thoughts in that might not be suitable for the public viewing. When I write publicly on my blog I try to only post and write about all the positivity I have through my battle, which is almost all of the time. But every once in a while I do ware and feel like I am breaking, this little black book allows me to privately vent and get my frustrations out without sounding like a crazy drama queen to all of you. I went back and read through some of the pages and when I was first diagnosed there was a lot of negativity. I write little ‘sentences’ that are all just emotions and feelings mixed in with a lot of profanity and little sketches. Early on it was almost hard to re-read, but as time went on and I accepted my new life I saw a fairly dramatic shift into a positive light. Once I changed my outlook (this was very early on after my diagnosis) and decided to make every negative aspect of my life into some sort of positive, not only did my writing become much more positive, but the words were actually more legible and easier to read (early on my writing looked as if I was barely learning how to write out the alphabet.) Each page forward was cleaner and more insightful, each page became more and more grateful and less self loathing. My personal reflections were almost a direct reflection of my personality at the time. When I was fresh out of the hospital and on copious amounts of steroids, there was a lot of anger. When I was living in LA going through treatment there was a lot of sadness, but when I was able to come home and be with family and friends it became a whole different story. Every time I traveled or visited my family it was nothing but positivity and optimism and as the days passed and the summer days went on I actually enjoyed reading the pages. There were still a few pages of darkness that slipped in as this road has been brutal, but I think thats to be expected with the amount of frustrations that go into trying to balance so many things at once. As the Holidays approached I expected the pages to turn dark again, but to my surprise it was to the contrary.
For the last 9 years I typically would get a little anti when it came to the holidays. My mother passed right before Thanksgiving and her birthday is in January. Christmas was and never will be the same without my mom and being the ultimate momma’s boy I still miss her immensely during the holiday season. This year was a little bit different though. For the first time in about 9 years I actually felt at peace this year. I felt like my mom was with me more than ever and this allowed me to enjoy the season much more than I have in a long time.
I had an amazing Christmas visiting both mine and Natashia’s families which led into what was by far one of the best New Year’s I have had in at least the last 10 years. This Christmas was not an epic showering of gifts and in fact I think I only opened maybe 5 presents and unfortunately I couldn’t really afford to buy much so I made most of my gifts, but that didn’t matter. It was the fact that we were together and ‘healthy’ just enjoying company. When New Year’s Eve rolled around we didn’t have any plans and we decided to stop by a friends house who was having a party. A few minutes after we arrived about 20 friends of mine who neither knew or had ever met the host of the party came in with on of their friends who is friends with the host. I had no intention of staying out late, but I ended up staying out VERY LATE. For the first time in over a year I was out till past 2:30 am. I did not go to sleep till almost 4 am! I have had plenty of sleepless nights this past year, but this was the first sleepless night that I did not want to end! I got home and reflected about the past year. All the memories I made, people I met, friends I lost and I was genuinely exited for 2014.
I have been noticing a lot of changes. People seem to be happier, my friends are doing amazing things with their careers and personal relationships. Everyday I see someone getting married, having a child or getting engaged. I am re-emerging myself into the social scene as I was pretty much a shut in for 2013 once the sun went down. I was as active as I could be during the day, but I hardly ever went out at night. I am trying to change that and re-introduce myself to what it is like to be in your 20′s and the best part is I don’t even need alcohol to have fun. I am living healthier than ever and surrounding myself with as much positive energy and optimism as I can find. I am getting older and I simply have neither the time nor the energy to hold grudges anymore. I am living in the now and in the now every moment is a fresh start.
2014 WILL be a great year. January will be an exceptionally hard month working as much as I can, managing my ongoing treatments, trying to launch the foundation and taking a 5 unit intersession class to finally finish my undergraduate work and get my BA in Business. I won’t have much time to do anything, but come February I hope to have a new job, a new outlook and another new lease on life as my next bi-monthy MRI is scheduled for the middle of January. Excitement might actually be the right word now that I think about it, because that is all I feel.
I have never been one to make resolutions, but this year I think we should all make a simple and yet difficult resolution: simply be a better person in every way possible. Lets be more humble and grateful for everything we get to do on a daily basis. There are so many people in this world who would kill to be anyone of us and yet we still are often still not satisfied. New Year’s resolutions typically have to do with self improvement, I propose a large scale resolution to make other people’s lives better. When you help someone better themselves, you help yourself at the same time. Happy New Year, Merry Christmas and lets make 2014 EPIC! 2 + 0 + 1 + 4 = 7, and you know what they say about 7?!
“You must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic or kind.” Emmett Fox
Just a few of my awesome days in 2013!!!